Gabi's Narnia

G'a'y-ey!

Now, this is more than a controversial issue and I won't even attempt to outline all aspects of my take, but I am going to highlight why I think being a ga'y might mean you haven't properly dealt with issues in your life. And it has to do with emotional collapse that has not been addressed, at least in some of the cases and for that matter all the cases I have had a deeper take on, just recently.

Yes, I am not going to get into the Torah says it's a capital sin, nor won't I bore you with biological and procreational blatancies. Let it suffice to say those are valid points to argue, but for the time being, outside my interest.

What I do care about is that I've just heard about the second lady in a row who had extremely unfortunate experiences with men, got hurt/abandoned/abused/divorced and the whole ordeal left her (them) emotionally unstable... when the right "girl" showed up and initiated a ho'mose'xual relationship and it came to fruition if that's an appropriate word to use.

None of these cases imply necessarily that the "seducer" is an evil vulture, to the contrary, they are the understanding sweeties these girls had craved for beforehand. Honestly, it drives me mad that one of these girls used to be a very close friend to me and it was my mother, who said about 16-17 years ago that this girl is one whom she can imagine marrying rather soon, then having a bunch of children and living a home-maker's life. And my Mom is and was true, that was the biggest craving of this girl, to be romantic, to have kids and a family and be embraced by strong arms and kissed by a man with a bristly face. I recall objecting passionately and telling her off for being so unearthly, for living in romantic dreams that have nothing to do with reality and that she should study instead of daydreaming.
I would have never imagined such a turn of events.

Now, when I faced another case, the question was obvious: what led these girls to this point?
My old friend had a series of unfortunate relationships, one funkier (worse) than the other when finally she married a real jerk with whom they divorced in the end. The second girl's case is not all that different, either.
Could these, maybe temporary lifestyles (only on their part) have been prevented by proper emotional and spiritual care? Before you start the 21st century bullsh'it about me being narrow-minded and I should accept that some people happen to be ga'ys and that is genetic blah-blah-blah, please, bear in mind that I have other ga'y, male friends whom I love, appreciate and respect even though I might not agree with their sexual preferences (oh, and how good-looking, intelligent, fine they are, a loss for me and the female society!) I'm condoning all other aspects, apart from the "emotional hurt might have propelled such turn" opinion.

If you also have ga'y friends and know their stories and if you could confirm or argue my case, although I am absolutely aware that this is a multi-layered, not necessarily scrutiny-friendly topic, I would be happy to hear both validating and annulling comments. But I am not interested in stories where the lady/man was obviously interested in the other gender from extremely early on, but those who had other se'x relationships and then turned to hom'ose'xuality. Eager to hear from you!

PS: this week(end) is the Budapest Pr'ide.

Teaching by nature

Hopefully my brand new students won't decide to connect with me on Facebook in the near future and have revelation as to how I approached today's lesson, running quite late and then purposefully deciding not to speed with my bicycle in order to remain alive. Well, I did get there safe & sound, apart from the exhaust toxics I inhaled on the over-jammed streets of Budapest.

May it suffice to say that I didn't quite prepare, although there hasn't been a serious need either, as we are just re-starting and revising materials they had perused previously and now in serious need of gaining the once acquired knowledge back. So, I was sitting with these 3 girls and the realisation dawned on me that I love teaching so very much! Yes, it energises me and new sources of energies thrust forth every time I open my mouth and guide pronunciation, help them recognise logical patterns and twists of conjugations to keep in mind. This simply is my very nature: excelling at something, at the same time helping them access it and apply hopefully to other areas as well, a so called discipleship programme, if you would.

All this in Italian. I am lovin' it!

offsite posting

Now that I reshuffled the content of the blog a little, here is a new thing to play with... offsite posting. There are many friends who have been doing that through their mobiles "for ages", but this is through an email... Let's see... You are supposed to see the picture or Lauren and Early Bird, the former who was running at JFK with her chello on her back and the heavy Chumash in her handbaggage!

Techies & a fresh start

Alright, because of the communication I have had over the last year with people from literally all over the world, who have been following my blog and lamented its discrepant continuity, I have decided, once again, to take up blogging, once again.

Although I am fairly aware that my innocent openness back in 2004 is not that easy to resuscitate. Somewhere along the way I have been exposed to the negative undercurrent of sharing too much. At this point I'm more like into giving it an informative rather than a personal flavour, which of course is going to change from the second post on... :) However, this time I am committed to return to objectivity and make it work, simply because it means something to some people, who don't have to do anything else, just click an update button on their links of rss and there is an old friend, right in their inbox.

In order to make it more viable, I am adding a Facebook share - feature, so if there are things that might prove to be of wider public interest, I might go ahead and post my rambling over there, too.
Haven't decided whether that will be a constant feature or should make you work a bit more later on, those who are reading it could tell their preferences :)

And along the same lines, have been very seriously considered Twitter but I am yet a bit hesitant. Shall purchase a PHONE, I know, I know, sometimes I myself wonder that it still works, but... as soon as the new phone comes in (anticipate early next year, hopefully) then I might become a twit Twitter.

In the meanwhile I am happy for all of you, even though you might be only "Kukkoló" (Voy'eour, but not as strong as in the English) as we defined the silent observer on the Judapest.org site. Stay tuned!

Why Israel kicking off soon

We are starting this study group kind of thing, looking at truths re Israel and the Jewish people in light of the Bible, using Willem Glashouwer's book. There are about two-months worth of material and we are going to meet once a week.

Better Hungary?

Now, that the Jobbik (English official site here) received almost 15% of the votes at the European Parliamentary Elections, and that we learnt that Hungary hasn't become a second Palestine, it might be worth for my foreign friends to watch what kind of a group is about to enter the Parliament and most probably the government next year, at the 4-yearly Hungarian elections.

Pay extra attention to the analogy he draws between the early set-up and self-organisational skills of the fledgling Christians Church and the 'awakening' that are both needed and is happening at this hour. Huhh? The early church was a life or death game, with extremely high threshold standards of entrance. You had to prove in the long run that you were both committed to the cause and willing to endure humiliation also from the people you desired to join and the wider society, of which you have already crossed the safety boundaries of at that point already. Plus, Spiritual awakening is never a counter-reaction of the conceived present economic oppression in the first place, but a turning towards God and repentance of sin both on the individual and collective level, identifying with the sins of the leaders of the country. I await the moment when any political leader falls down on his/her knees and weeps for the sins of the leaders who screwed it up.

Another issue is worth mentioning... "Protecting the land". As far as they have shown, their intention to do so is by deploying the Hungarian Guard on missions, in arms, to threat the poop out of people. The other line is by fighting the nasty capitalists who give jobs to many thousands of young people (and to most of my friends), all of whom are fluent at least in two foreign languages, earning at least 3 times as much as a less fortunate ordinary worker, a cashier let's say. And to the grin prospects that we have, SMEs won't pay for the bank loans of all these thousands...

Of course one can anticipate what order they shall pursue. First propaganda against the Roma, then the Jews and then those Christians who speak up against them. Hopefully there will be many.

Christianity in human coating

Received this list from a good friend, who, since she sent it, has already found a fellowship.
I suppose it's pretty much worth sharing it after all.
And obviously, it forms part of my desktop clear-up process, as you could easily guess.
When was I at the Frankfurt airport travelling to hook up with Florian and crew and beloved Connect friends? I suppose more than 2 years ago now...

What kind of fellowship am I looking for?

Long due excerpt through Lea

From pages 98-99 of C.S. Lewis's The Four Loves:

The Companionship was between people who were doing something together—hunting, studying, painting or what you will. The Friends will still be doing something together, but something more inward, less widely shared and less easily defined; still hunters, but of some immaterial quality; still collaborating, but in some work the world does not, or not yet, take account of; still travelling companions, but on a different kind of journey. Hence we picture lovers face to face but Friends side by side; their eyes look ahead.

...

When two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass—may pass in the first half-hour—into erotic love. Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later. And conversely, erotic love may lead to Friendship between the lovers. But this, so far from obliterating the distinction between the two loves, puts it in a clearer light. If one who was first, in the deep and full sense, your Friend, is then gradually or suddenly revealed as also your lover you will certainly not want to share the beloved’s erotic love with any third. But you will have no jealousy at all about sharing the Friendship. Nothing so enriches an erotic love as the discovery that the Beloved can deeply, truly and spontaneously enter into Friendship with the Friends you already had: to feel that not only are we two united by erotic love but we three or four or five are all travellers on the same quest, have all a common vision.

…

Suppose you are fortunate enough to have “fallen in love with” and married your Friend. And now suppose it possible that you were offered the choice of two futures: “Eitheryou two will cease to be lovers but remain forever joint seekers of the same God, the same beauty, the same truth, or else, losing all that, you will retain as long as you live the raptures and ardours, all the wonder and the wild desire of Eros. Choose which you please.” Which should we choose? Which choice should we not regret after we had made it?

[Italics, quotes, and lack of commas are Lewis’s.]

Alright. This clearing up of files from the Mac's desktop came at a very unfortunate timing since we were sharing our deepest struggles on the phone somewhere between Dorottya Udvar and the Móricz Zsigmond Square earlier today. Do I have any other single, male friend that I am also attracted to? Of course I do, but we don't keep in touch.

Myers-Briggs result on FB

painfully true, but the wings are somehow still missing...

ENTJ

Frank, decisive, assume leadership readily. Quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems. Enjoy long term planning and goal setting. Usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding their knowledge and passing on to others. Forceful in presenting their ideas.

Careers

* Chief Executive Officer
* Network integration specialist
* Management consultant
* Politician/political manager
* Franchise owner
* Corporate finance attorney
* Personalle financial planner
* Real estate developer
* Marketing executive
* Intellectual property attorney
* Investment consultan/planner
* Economic analyst
* Chemical engineer
* Educational consultant
* Judge

Travels

Did you notice that I haven't updated the travel list?
Where have I been to this year???
-Prague jan
-Frankfurt febr
-Slovakia-Poland apr
-Brussels apr

I can't recall more, apart from the in country ones. Need to check with Moleskine-Meisterin.

Personality and misc.

If the spe'rm email guy didn't exist I would only call them wimps. He adds the adjective lunatic to the description. Quite dissuasive, altogether.

In the meanwhile, should order an i love Hashem T-shirt... no, I NEVER wear T-shirt, maybe this coffee mug would be slightly more convenient. And the coffee with the 24-7 team racing through Europe seems to be the right match for this week, along with a website's translation and making those final stitches. Just peeked into Early Bird's camera while she is at the Leadership Forum in Eger. Those werkshots are best. Soon!

Set

Someone once told me that it doesn't matter what you do, simply decide to do one thing and you will excel at it. Then, and most of my life I wanted to argue that by living everything, being everything and always working hard to learn, stay in the loop... all that with marginal depth. It wasn't in vain. However, I am experiencing a new era when I know there is a middle string and all the pearls come attached. The music played on it is a complex concept. Israel, Jewish, God, The End would all qualify as a name.

No why-s

I should be blogging and should have blogged even before. I'm sitting in front of the screen and blame An Chi for drawing my attention to the fact that there is no communication taking place. Now I come to the realisation that indeed, there is no communication but I shouldn't expect communication at all. He came to get sth, he got it, left and that's it. Why should we talk?

So much is happening deep inside. I suppose these things you cannot write down, you simply experience and they are yours, only yours. If you were a friend I talked to on the phone at least, not mentioning the obvious in person interaction, then you might get some of it or you already have. Otherwise it's deeper than the Mariana Trench and is worth more than all the Rockefeller fortune and more delicate than the silk produced by those Chinese caterpillars. I'm also standing on the Rock and have looked around to state that we are very high up and it's very easy for me to start stomping about and slip into the abyss. We don't want that, do we?

Wish I could be honest here. Wish I could tell everything that has been going on since last September. I'm being de-hibernated, re-set, fine-tuned. In that order.

"It's not complicated"

It is not easy. Although it was always obvious, somehow the sheer intensity of this already unfamiliar pain struck me and left me paralysed. At this point I can handle the notion, but no other hiccups. Thank God for my hibernised state of emotional vagabondry. Still, this is a time to uncover buried depths and let the ointment penetrate the innermost wounds that had been sealed in this and that life for future handling.
Now is the time. I can only plead with the choir in Solomon's Songs, yes, I do not want to awaken love before its proper time, because otherwise it so f***ing hurts.
How did it ever happen in the first place? How could I end up believing his words, which I normally simply laugh at? Was it the time we spent together 10 years ago? Was it his framing that made me let my guard go off? And of course, I have long been longing to be wanted, adored, accepted and loved.
I haaaattttte this. However, it made me realise how stable a Rock is under my feet and acknowledge that I really do not know, finally. Maybe, slowly, sometime... I might even do what I am only flirting in my brain with, namely, to start trusting... this... to the One who really knows what's best for me.
At least I know where the seemingly worse pain would come from.
And at last, but not least, "it's complicated" shall not appear on Facebook.
I am facing my giants, it's full body contact.
Wouldn't have thought I was going to write it down here. There you go. I was in love for a very-very short time.

Run, Gilgamesh, run!

Yes, it's a new year and I haven't been blogging. Of course, I have a lot to share. Let's start with Gilgamesh (the epic) which made me quite depressed for some time, which, at the same time I thoroughly enjoyed. Somehow things revolving around running have been really much on my heart and also the Marathon is on my plate for this year. You should also know that running is one of my favourite pastime activities that relaxes and rejuvenates me immensely.

So read my beloved section, this excerpt from Book IX

ECI press release

from my friend, Tomas:

Press release

 

European Coalition for Israel stands by Czech EU presidency in supporting Israel ’s right to self defense

 

Brussels, January 6, 2009 – The European Coalition for Israel wishes to express its support for the current Czech EU presidency and to the many European leaders, in particular German chancellor Angela Merkel, who in the last few days have reiterated their support for Israel ’s right to self defense. 

 

Since 2001, Palestinians in Gaza have fired over 10,000 rockets and mortars into southern Israel.  When a 6-month cease fire between Israel and Hamas ended last month, Hamas rejected its renewal and immediately escalated its missile fire.

 

No sovereign nation would allow itself to be targeted in this fashion without seeking to defend its citizens. 

Israel is finally exercising this basic right of self defense and has launched a military operation designed to end the rocket fire from Gaza.  Israel has pinpointed its attacks on Hamas, a terrorist organization that does not recognize Israel’s right to exist and is backed by Iran.  Israel has gone to great lengths to minimize civilian casualties.

 

During his recent visit to Sderot also incoming US president Barack Obama stated that ‘no country should have to live under the threat of daily rockets attacks.’

We would also like to draw attention to similar statements made by moderate Arab leaders who acknowledge that it is Hamas who have caused the Israeli military operation by continuing to fire rockets in to Israel .

 

ECI likes to reiterate the main objective of Hamas which is the complete destruction of Israel . In trying to achieve its goal it has shown no respect for human life, and has used its own civilian population as human shields against the Israeli army. These actions constitute the gravest crimes against humanity and must immediately be condemned by the world community.

 

It is of utmost importance that the European Union and the world community at large ensure that Gaza will cease to be a platform for terrorist activities and help rebuild a society free from hatred and violence. The best way to end the current military operation with innocent suffering on both sides is for Hamas to stop firing rockets and mortars into Israel and commit to living in peace with its neighbors.

Self-discipline

No, it has nothing to do with any new year's resolution bullsajt, it only and exclusively has to do with finding myself influenced by circumstances and people's reaction and attitude in an alarming manner. It's high time I let go of any form of control over this new area and trust in the One who is gracious. Oh, it's very frightening and I suppose I'm really pooping into my pants. Viva la Vida, Chris is singing in my ears, among songs.

Animated history lesson2

My Palestinian friend/schoolmate in England at the time, Amar, spoke about the war atrocities that Ariel Sharon had committed (had been blind and deaf about) and how insane it was to appoint him as Israel's prime minister. That was early 2001. At the time I didn`t quite get it and knew nothing of the Sabra and Shatila massacre. I didn't know that Phalangists were Christians by label.
I suppose just as Satrapi did with hers, we are going to hear more of these personal accounts of war/terror horrors in the future, told in the form of animation. I yet await a Bosnian/Croatian, a Curdish and free to choose* African version of it. *sadly

Ultimately, it is history lesson through a middle-aged man's glasses. Yes, I know, my Mom has already criticised my concept of age groups when at 34 I simply called people her age "old". Let it suffice to say Ari Folman is around 46 now.

If you are fluent in Hungarian (that doesn't necessarily mean that you are a Hungarian, seeing what the average person in this country gets educated on), read the JP skinny. In case you are still wondering what I am talking about, it's Waltz with Bashir.

The rest I inserted from the official website of the movie.

Anchor's cast

I love old hymns for their depths and theological validity, contrary to the present day mishy-mashy emotional junk we sing in churches. It is not by accident that my favourites are the psalms with Hebrew tunes. This hymn really spoke home, about my present status. Thank you, Friend!

1. Once it was the blessing,
      Now it is the Lord;
      Once it was the feeling,
      Now it is His Word;
      Once His gift I wanted,
      Now, the Giver own;
      Once I sought for healing,
      Now Himself alone.

Vocabulary boosting

I am learning new things every day, like a good toddler. Check out the latest source of humour and speech enhancer, here. There is at least one new word I'd love to put in practice!

Foam Bath by Kovásznai

Br is a Kovásznai Meisterin and it was such a pleasure to see the Foam bath (Habfürdő) today. Witty and entertaining, depicting characters in a rather unassuming, still powerful and to the point manner. This 79-minute-long animation gives the impression that things haven't really changed the last 30 years. The amazing piece of picture and music feat came out the year I was born... Kovásznai was a genious. My medical student friend particularly enjoyed the "preparation for the admission to the uni" song. I hated the ordeal about unfair and hidden motivations for getting married and at the end the personal defeat of Klári didn't bring about catharsis either. Instead, I felt disgusted at society's state of my birth year just as I am with the present one. Would be much easier to draw a cartoon without colours and we wouldn't even be humans. Too bad. Cleanse me, wash me white as snow.

Live and become

This post could really get into all kinds of directions. I could talk about the authenticity of learning certain practices and over time becoming one with them or the system they are part of, meaning full identification, internalisation of the formerly external practices.
Or I could write about the falasha people and their hardships of identity. Questions of such genre, of course, I am always more than prone to discuss! How tragic it is to be branded as a Jew in Africa, bearing the same colour and marked as a Cushi in Israel.

It's a wonderful-beautiful movie on sacrificial love, roots, belonging, acceptance, personal fight through oppression, child-rearing and favoritism, racism among racially tormented people, ethnic differences in a democratic nation, hiding truth for fear, finding your calling, becoming one, lying to save lives, lying out of fear of losing the most precious, waiting, believing, learning, studying, bar mitzvah and the kibbutzim with Mandala and loads and loads of liquid grace. Immense amounts.
Watch Va, vis et deviens, more on Port.hu. And prepare tissues, I badly needed them.

Festivities

Robert Doisneau wasn't there.

Choose a family. Choose a friend.

A great HanuChristmas with wonderful people and the nerve ending hit by being needed, again. At least for the time being I can pretend that everything is alright and will have to face reality only tomorrow. I pray for healing.
Back to tonight: thank you for such great hosts and such great time. There is something inherently wrong in the system when you actually do not enjoy the micro-unit that is supposed to be your first and most natural place of belonging as much as you do the company of your close and not that close friends. Obviously society has changed a lot over centuries, still I find it appalling and frightening. At least now you can choose your mate, or you think you have an option to choose. Also, I acknowledge that this is a temper tantrum against something I find hard and tiresome, thus desirably avoidable. The good thing none of them knows this blog's address nor do they read in English. I am ashamed, it's supposed to be a service, a service of love. I choose. Just like King David I decided in my heart to praise Him.

Cakey season

It's rather time-consuming when you have two holidays at the same time. I really messed up the mézeskrémes' filling and after a weird KM training I stopped by to fetch the promised flódni. (prepared, of course, according to Eszter's instructions) And now only a couple of other cakes left to be made for the family Christmas and I am munching my flódni in the meanwhile. Chag sameach and Merry Christmas. And why is it 2:52AM again?!?!
About something on the inside: God answers prayers. I prayed for this specific thing and my Messiah arranged it accordingly although this outcome is definitely not unto my liking. I am still thankful that He has an ear and He cares for me this much. Always on the yellow brick road... A few more things to go, for sure. I have no clue, once again, what the new year is going to entail. Ah, have I mentioned that I was hoping to spend New Year's Eve all by myself, pondering and reflecting? It seems like some might want to join me in that... Soft to touch, in vain. I want to go Home.

Doggy Xmas

Dió, my stepdog, recently finished the first semester in a dog school where the teachers themselves have well-trained dogs. This is what they can do:

In case you wondered... I don't think Keszi is interested in decorating Christmas trees. She prefers rats.

Early bird back

She is back after 8 weeks and we are hitting the meaningful depths once again as naturally as we all breathe in air. She treaded a similar path, only at a gorgeous, hardly heated English mansion, but the route to even under the roots have been equally enlightening and rich. Gosh, this is what relationships are meant to be like. Welcome home, Fru!

Mazel tov!

The cantor of the synagogue got married today in the army of J-celebs. All the top leadership was there, reading a few lines of blessing! It was a beautiful, story-telling event, with little, but to the point talk and parts of Aaron's blessing, which brought some salty liquid to the corner of my eye. Mazel tov to the young couple!
And we won't marry neither Zolt'ay nor Feld'májer, that's for sure! Hmmmm.
Great evening in the Sirály afterwards, with some short conversations (9PM-1AM), an alternative Hannukia (Hannukah candleholder) installation which worked exactly as the candle in the synagogue. I mean it worked equally not. H.Zsófi JP-offline meeting and my beloved dentist behind the discs. What a day... after such an early and good start! 

Gave life abudant

If I told you what I did today after 3 hours of sleep, you would think I am on the way to burn myself out. You would say that I don't rest enough and that my rhythm of life is rather tense.
On the contrary, today everything was performed under the aegis of Sabbath rest.
We spent an immense amount of time together, chatting, enjoying each other's company and meeting people we love and appreciate in the span of some 13.5 hours. And tomorrow Early Bird is back to the city, it's Hanukkah and church day as well.
I wouldn't want to live anyone else's life no matter what and who they have. The people I connect with make this life an immense treasure. And I glanced at the lit city, crossing Margaret Bridge. Although it shouldn't be news anymore, I am thankful for my life.

What is good about Christmas

Maybe I can fully and only concentrate on the positive. No, I won't be able to do that, but let's start with the joyous part.
In the right order:
#1 the beautifully lit city. Indeed, the inner districts should have sticked to the "only the trees" decoration style. Click on the first picture to view the album
#2 kürtöskalács and mulled wine. The kürtöskalács is made on real coal, not in these funky grill-machines!
#3 its full coinciding with Hanukkah this year

The rest is obvious: people earning much less than most of my friends still spending huge amounts on gifts and taking on even more loans!!! Family trouble, every year a different colour, oh yeah!